LONGGGG Time!
Howdy yall!!
I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written and most who’ve read this thing know it’s because writing here every day is too regimented and Lord knows regimentation is NOT my bag! LOL! But I’m compelled to write here today.
So much has been going on. After I was “separated” from CTA, I took great stock in my life and found that my God had served me well in that once I was unemployed I rested, re-grouped and then was blessed with another job. God is GOOD! And then he sent me a potential help mate – Mark – who through much has proven to me what I’d assumed all along: Barbara is quite a loveable woman! Sometimes you know, but it’s really nice to have someone else show/tell you as well. While long-term, permanent (read: marriage) has been discussed, there are no rings and we’ve still got to go down the “counseling” road. I’ve been married before (as he has, too) and this time around I’d like to stay married till one of us breathes their last breath. Also, for all the women out there: self love is GREAT love; so love you some self!
Now let me get on my soap box:
Truth – most do not know what real truth is! And this is a shame. Let me begin by saying: there is no such thing as a little white lie! A lie is a lie – no matter how you phrase it. Many years ago I made the conscious choice to attempt to speak truth always. I have fallen short in this quest, but the reasons were varied (no excuse!) and each caused me great pause; like the former friend who I just have not been able to tell her, honestly, that her negativity was STIFLINGLY MADDENING, therefore I’m unable to continue the friendship (I can only listen to so much of how Black Men ain’t shit!). Or to the former date that, for the life of me, would not get the simple fact that while he was considered a good catch he wasn’t a good catch for me! Or lastly, when you disappear for hours and DO NOT respond to messages, do not expect ANYONE to believe that you were somewhere by yourself contemplating life. I believe you were somewhere contemplating another date—without me, even though I said I believed you (total lie!).
Yet with all of the above said, there is something sinister, evil and quite duplicitous about all of the lies and stealing and cheating and deceit that is occurring in our world. It reminds me of a pale joke a former boss used to say: Lions ten, Christians zero! While this may be funny (it was when he first said it), it’s scarily true. Our faith is taking a back seat to plain greed and deceit – truly one in the same – AND it is not a good thing! There are days when I just no longer want to watch the news for if it ain’t Tiger Woods (dude you were wholly STUPID for sacrificing your family for overly used CUNT! sorry yall), it’s the mortgage, subsequent foreclosure scandal (greedy folks taking mortgages they couldn’t afford; even greedier folks giving them the mortgages), or Bishop Long’s allegations (all I can say is: WOW! Oh, and brother PAHLEESE get rid of the weave!) which, true or not, are quite unsettling, to put it mildly for the lack of a more appropriate phrase.
I could go on, but I won’t. Instead I will talk about the wondrous things I’ve come across: the woman who I helped when some less than attempted to rob her – to this day she calls me her “angel” and to this day I say it was God’s plan for me to be there; to my friend Fathiyah and her hubby, Morro – they just brought a beautiful baby girl (Amira) into this world. They are both great people and will make even greater parents (GOD’s BLESSINGS!); and there is my sister-girl-Soror, Annette, who’s pain has been transformed to be a blessing to others (you are my SHERO!! I know you don’t want to be); to the sister who bravely stood and testified against the two women who hired a couple of teens to pour acid on her because she was involved with one of the women’s former boyfriend (the story is SILLY and the women who hired the teens are cowards – they were convicted); and let me not forget the countless folks across the Nation who continue to believe. Yall, the higher power will take care of us all – good and bad. As a footnote, I was amazed when I read in my local paper that the infamous Edward “Fast Eddie” Vrdolyak admitted that he had acted “studpid[ly]” in a scheme that netted him over $650,000. In a time when just about everyone is pointing a finger and refusing to take responsibility for their actions, here’s a man who has; and given his colorful and storied Chicago background, this was a plus as well as unheard of! Mr. Vrdolyak was recently sentenced to some time in a federal prison.
Writing – It struck me the other day as I put the finishing touches on a treatment for a series I’d like to see published that while I was writing my eleven romances at the time I was not in a committed relationship. The words I was putting on paper were things and situations I’d wish had occurred. Often, when I speak about my romances, I speak of how the stories are always how I’d want a situation to end. How I wished the men who had been in my life had been different (no lies; no cheating; no ego trips; no selfishness), had been upstanding brothers who weren’t afraid of commitment. But, as in real life, they weren’t and I found that the stories were my own brand of therapy. Just yesterday I sat down and began re-writing a story I’d started in 1998! YIKES!! I know that’s a long time. As I went over the story, its edginess and grit was a little jarring at first, but then I stopped and realized where I was at when I wrote it: my then husband had been cheating on me! And my story was the retaliation. I do want to finish the story, for I believe in redemption and have recently had my own ability to forgive put to the test. I did NOT forgive the former husband (nor his family members), but today I do. While we will never have a relationship, the things that were said and done no longer matter and I sincerely wish them all the best and blessings our Lord can bestow! Anyway, back to writing. I still believe in love –black love. I still believe in the redemptive powers of love, commitment, emotions and staying the course. I still believe that our men (no slam to those who’ve found love outside of their race – love is love!) are wonderful gifts and should be lifted up and celebrated (and I don’t mean the ones who refuse to take care of their kids, or the ones who lie and cheat, or the ones who think it’s cool to have several “in the stable”) when they are do-right brothers who knows the importance of life and wants to be that catalyst of change!
Lastly—getting older. I love being 46! I feel good, look good and have an abundance of me to give. I am so looking forward to the fabulous 50’s! For some reason I see this as an age of wonder and awe, of being in a place and space to look back, assess and assist (even though we all should be giving back to some cause) those who are coming behind you – if the Lord deems it so. And each year that I walk on this earth I realize two things: I’m truly blessed to be here and I love the fact that I’ve gotten a chance to live my dreams. For me, life over the past 16 years (at age 30, I had finally arrested the manic depression I’d been plagued with since the age of 12) has been FANTABULOUS and I see my glass as half full, not half empty! I am so looking forward to the next phase of my life.
Well, that’s enough for one day! Do enjoy this journey called life—which is gratifying, hard, joyful, maddening, loving, calloused—one that cannot be avoided! Until I write again: SPEAK TRUTH!
Stepping Down from the Soap Box!
Barbara
I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written and most who’ve read this thing know it’s because writing here every day is too regimented and Lord knows regimentation is NOT my bag! LOL! But I’m compelled to write here today.
So much has been going on. After I was “separated” from CTA, I took great stock in my life and found that my God had served me well in that once I was unemployed I rested, re-grouped and then was blessed with another job. God is GOOD! And then he sent me a potential help mate – Mark – who through much has proven to me what I’d assumed all along: Barbara is quite a loveable woman! Sometimes you know, but it’s really nice to have someone else show/tell you as well. While long-term, permanent (read: marriage) has been discussed, there are no rings and we’ve still got to go down the “counseling” road. I’ve been married before (as he has, too) and this time around I’d like to stay married till one of us breathes their last breath. Also, for all the women out there: self love is GREAT love; so love you some self!
Now let me get on my soap box:
Truth – most do not know what real truth is! And this is a shame. Let me begin by saying: there is no such thing as a little white lie! A lie is a lie – no matter how you phrase it. Many years ago I made the conscious choice to attempt to speak truth always. I have fallen short in this quest, but the reasons were varied (no excuse!) and each caused me great pause; like the former friend who I just have not been able to tell her, honestly, that her negativity was STIFLINGLY MADDENING, therefore I’m unable to continue the friendship (I can only listen to so much of how Black Men ain’t shit!). Or to the former date that, for the life of me, would not get the simple fact that while he was considered a good catch he wasn’t a good catch for me! Or lastly, when you disappear for hours and DO NOT respond to messages, do not expect ANYONE to believe that you were somewhere by yourself contemplating life. I believe you were somewhere contemplating another date—without me, even though I said I believed you (total lie!).
Yet with all of the above said, there is something sinister, evil and quite duplicitous about all of the lies and stealing and cheating and deceit that is occurring in our world. It reminds me of a pale joke a former boss used to say: Lions ten, Christians zero! While this may be funny (it was when he first said it), it’s scarily true. Our faith is taking a back seat to plain greed and deceit – truly one in the same – AND it is not a good thing! There are days when I just no longer want to watch the news for if it ain’t Tiger Woods (dude you were wholly STUPID for sacrificing your family for overly used CUNT! sorry yall), it’s the mortgage, subsequent foreclosure scandal (greedy folks taking mortgages they couldn’t afford; even greedier folks giving them the mortgages), or Bishop Long’s allegations (all I can say is: WOW! Oh, and brother PAHLEESE get rid of the weave!) which, true or not, are quite unsettling, to put it mildly for the lack of a more appropriate phrase.
I could go on, but I won’t. Instead I will talk about the wondrous things I’ve come across: the woman who I helped when some less than attempted to rob her – to this day she calls me her “angel” and to this day I say it was God’s plan for me to be there; to my friend Fathiyah and her hubby, Morro – they just brought a beautiful baby girl (Amira) into this world. They are both great people and will make even greater parents (GOD’s BLESSINGS!); and there is my sister-girl-Soror, Annette, who’s pain has been transformed to be a blessing to others (you are my SHERO!! I know you don’t want to be); to the sister who bravely stood and testified against the two women who hired a couple of teens to pour acid on her because she was involved with one of the women’s former boyfriend (the story is SILLY and the women who hired the teens are cowards – they were convicted); and let me not forget the countless folks across the Nation who continue to believe. Yall, the higher power will take care of us all – good and bad. As a footnote, I was amazed when I read in my local paper that the infamous Edward “Fast Eddie” Vrdolyak admitted that he had acted “studpid[ly]” in a scheme that netted him over $650,000. In a time when just about everyone is pointing a finger and refusing to take responsibility for their actions, here’s a man who has; and given his colorful and storied Chicago background, this was a plus as well as unheard of! Mr. Vrdolyak was recently sentenced to some time in a federal prison.
Writing – It struck me the other day as I put the finishing touches on a treatment for a series I’d like to see published that while I was writing my eleven romances at the time I was not in a committed relationship. The words I was putting on paper were things and situations I’d wish had occurred. Often, when I speak about my romances, I speak of how the stories are always how I’d want a situation to end. How I wished the men who had been in my life had been different (no lies; no cheating; no ego trips; no selfishness), had been upstanding brothers who weren’t afraid of commitment. But, as in real life, they weren’t and I found that the stories were my own brand of therapy. Just yesterday I sat down and began re-writing a story I’d started in 1998! YIKES!! I know that’s a long time. As I went over the story, its edginess and grit was a little jarring at first, but then I stopped and realized where I was at when I wrote it: my then husband had been cheating on me! And my story was the retaliation. I do want to finish the story, for I believe in redemption and have recently had my own ability to forgive put to the test. I did NOT forgive the former husband (nor his family members), but today I do. While we will never have a relationship, the things that were said and done no longer matter and I sincerely wish them all the best and blessings our Lord can bestow! Anyway, back to writing. I still believe in love –black love. I still believe in the redemptive powers of love, commitment, emotions and staying the course. I still believe that our men (no slam to those who’ve found love outside of their race – love is love!) are wonderful gifts and should be lifted up and celebrated (and I don’t mean the ones who refuse to take care of their kids, or the ones who lie and cheat, or the ones who think it’s cool to have several “in the stable”) when they are do-right brothers who knows the importance of life and wants to be that catalyst of change!
Lastly—getting older. I love being 46! I feel good, look good and have an abundance of me to give. I am so looking forward to the fabulous 50’s! For some reason I see this as an age of wonder and awe, of being in a place and space to look back, assess and assist (even though we all should be giving back to some cause) those who are coming behind you – if the Lord deems it so. And each year that I walk on this earth I realize two things: I’m truly blessed to be here and I love the fact that I’ve gotten a chance to live my dreams. For me, life over the past 16 years (at age 30, I had finally arrested the manic depression I’d been plagued with since the age of 12) has been FANTABULOUS and I see my glass as half full, not half empty! I am so looking forward to the next phase of my life.
Well, that’s enough for one day! Do enjoy this journey called life—which is gratifying, hard, joyful, maddening, loving, calloused—one that cannot be avoided! Until I write again: SPEAK TRUTH!
Stepping Down from the Soap Box!
Barbara
posted by Barbara K. @ 5:46 PM
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